Well, I have been doing most of my posting on our baby site.  We are now in the 26 week of pregnancy, expecting a little boy and doing well.  Work is fine for me, working at the hospital along with teaching the micro and immunology labs.  We had a Halloween baby shower which was very fun, both of the grandma's to be attended which was nice.

If you want to see pictures or hear more about the baby stuff check out http://archerjunior.blogspot.com/

It's 6 am and while normally I am up at this time leaving the house to go to work, today is my day off and I am up.  I woke up to have to use the bathroom and then once I was up I couldn't get my brain to stop thinking, about work, the baby, and everything in between. 

We have a doctor's appointment today for the baby which Boxboy is looking forward to along with myself, and then we plan to come home to pack and get ready for our trip tomorrow. 

I think as one would expect being that my grandma's birthday would of been on Friday and that we are going to Wyoming to spread her ashes, she is on my mind a lot.  I just feel frustrated as I never imagined this time in my life, especially this pregnancy, without her involved in it.  My grandma was very involved in my life growing up, especially when my mom was pregnant with my brothers.  When my mom was pregnant with her last child grandma even had to come and stay with me and my other brother because my mom was in the hospital for 5 or 6 months.  I just remember how calm my grandma was with the whole ordeal, similar to how she was always.  My grandma took care of my brother and I and shuttled us back and forth to the hospital to see my mom every few days and never batted an eyelash about it.  There are so many instances I can think of when my grandma was responsible for taking care of me in some way, whether when I was a brand new baby and my mom was working, or when I was a toddler.

I feel so fortunate to have had an amazing relationship with my grandma, I spoke to her every week and now I really miss her little nicknames she had for me.  I miss her greeting on the phone, she never managed to say hi, it was always "And what are you doing?"  And listening to her adventures of how she dragged my grandpa down to the water so she could throw the pole in for just a minute.  When I think of her now, I see her at the lake, with a pole in the water, a can of warm pepsi next to her and a cooler full of wet wash clothes in plastic bags and a bag of Lay's potato chips.  She always took me fishing with her, I was her fishing partner, the one she always told to sing "Fishie fishie in the brook, come and bite my little hook" when no fish were biting. 

I am so angry that my kids will never get to have great grandma Laura teach them how to bait a hook or how to plant the petunias or snap dragons in the back yard.  These were all things that she taught me and the memories are still such fond ones.  I am angry that they will never hear the way that there great grandma laughed when she was laughing so hard that she could barely speak, the way that whenever we played card games she always ended up with most of the deck in her little bony hands.  Most importantly, I am angry that they will never have there great grandma to hug and tell them everything is going to be okay, because for some reason when grandma said it, you could actually really believe it. 

While I know that this pregnancy is suppose to be full of happiness and joy, which it is, it is also filled with a little bit of sadness.  I thank god that I was able to tell her that Boxboy and I were trying to have a baby the week before she died.  I remember her telling me that at church the week before that a couple brought in there brand new twin babies.  My grandma said, "Your grandpa and I had a conversation about how great it would be to be great grandparents" and she told me how excited she was at the thought of it.  At least I know that she died with the thought of how she was going to be a great grandparent soon and I know that she is watching over me and this baby right now.  I know that she picked a good angel for this baby.

So it's been a month since my grandma passed away.  It is still kind of surreal, yet the reality has definetely set in.  At first it was almost as if I could bury my head in the sand and think she was still there, but then when I'd go to call her she wouldn't be there....

I think with her being gone it has made me appreciate life more, appreciate the thought of children and the desire for them.  She and my grandpa were married for 52 years!! That's so amazing and wonderful, I can't wait to get to that with Boxboy, and even to pass it.  I can't wait for all the things life has to offer as a married woman and a mother.

My brother was here this week from RI, he is finishing up a nutrition degree to add to his culinary degree.  I definetely love his knowledge about all things food, but his smart assness regarding the rest of life was a bit difficult and hard to hear.  He told me that his friends were more of his family and that he thought that the thought Boxboy and I had to add to our family was ridiculous as we are not "established".  I asked him how much more established one should be, as we do own a home, have good jobs, and want children.  He thinks we need to "travel" and "live life" and I politely explained that as it is so easy for a 21 year old who doesn't have a steady job to imagine the complexities of having a full time job and asking for time off to "travel the world" that it really isn't as easy as he sees it.  I distinctly remember being 21 and thinking I knew EVERYTHING there was to know about the world and that my parents were still stupid as were most people who were older than me.  I also pretty distinctly remember the time when I had the "Oh shit!" moment when I realized that a lot of what my parents said was actually true useful advice.  Man, that totally sucked and still does when I have those moments as an adult now.

The joys of being young and innocent, how I long for those days, but then again I wouldn't trade the life I have for the world, regardless of how difficult and hard and sad it can be.